Thursday, March 3, 2011

Disclaimer Required

{Disclaimer:  This post is being written shortly after a visit to the Risky Business Center (also known as the Wound and Diabetes Care Clinic, a place where they also do infusions) where I received the first of five IVInfusions of  1000 mg Solu-Medrol  (hereafter referred to as The Poison The Juice).  I *might* be feeling just a little bit sassy, stoked, jittery, crazed, irrational, hungry, whiney, frustrated, exuberant, funny, etc. etc. etc.  Who knows what could happen.  Just sayin'!}   

Rocket Man and I entered the Risky Business Center exactly 2 minutes before my appointment time at 9:00 am this morning.  I should tell you that I asked for a later appointment when we scheduled this circus, only to be told, "Mrs. Rocket can't just decide when you come for treatment.  You have to let us make those decisions."  {Really?}

We were ushered back to a treatment room, after I was weighed (blech) and had my blood pressure checked.  I said for the 3rd time that  yea, verily, I was born on 5-20-1957 {now EVERYONE who can add and subtract knows how old I am} and that my name is indeed Mollianne Buster Massey {and how many ways can  you pronounce that?}  The very nice tech left me and said that a nurse would be with me 'right away'.  Mind you, I HAD to be there at 9:00.  Sharp! 

After the usual jokes and banter, Rocket Man pulled out the Kindle and continued his quest to read the entire Qur'an {don't ask me why...I simply record what I know to be true...I read Kierkegaard... who am I to question anyone else's choice of reading matter?}.  I started flipping through a Bath and Kitchen Remodeling magazine {hey...a girl can dream, can't she?}At 9:26, Rocket Man looked up over his glasses at me with a Trademark Rocket Man look {usually not a good sign} and said, "At precisely 9:30, would you mind if I went to the nurses desk and ask them when we can start this train?"  I {wisely} said he should feel free.

At 9:30 on the dot, Nurse Nancy came down to tell us she was sorry for the delay, blamed it on 'the doctors' and said she'd be with us shortly.  Shortly turned out to be 26 minutes later.  Not that anyone was timing the process or anything. 

After answering yet again to my name and birthdate and signing my discharge papers {yep, before the treatment began}, we all agreed that I was there to get 1 gram of Solu-Medrol.  Let's get this game of Molli Sticks {not nearly as much fun as Poohsticks} going.  Nurse Nancy got me in one try { have lovely veins, although I'm told I have large valves which sometimes causes a problem}.  Hooray for Nurse Nancy!

So the drip started.  1 hour and 10 minutes past my 9:00 a.m. SHARP arrival time.  Rocket Man was not amused.  Nor was he amused at the whole runaround about how long we were going to take to drip The Poison  The Juice into my system.  {I won that argument}

30 minutes into the treatment, the blood pressure cuff did its job.  Blood pressure was 94/55.   At 47 minutes, the infusion pump stopped and started sounding this gosh-awful, annoying alarm beep.  I guess that is so the nurse will hear it and come a) fix what the matter is and hopefully b) fix it.  In retrospect, I think it beeps  so I will push the call button to let her know that something is wrong. 

Broomhilda answered the call.  After explaining something about detergent wash to my extremely intelligent, highly overprotective, no-nonsense Rocket Man-who really is a Rocket Scientist- {speaking to him like he was an idiot, mind you} and something else about the mechanics of the equipment, and fumbling around for about 10 to 15 minutes {but, why are we worried about time at this point in the morning...lunch hour...almost afternoon?}  she got it running again.  Then, she amended her comments about detergent wash, because that was for a different medication, not the one I'm taking.  Guess she didn't know EVERYTHING, now did she?  Shooting him a disdainful glance, she made a quick exit.  He looked up over his glasses again {I knew this was going to be good} and told me that he'd bet he knew more about Fluid Mechanics than Broomhilda did. 

The blood pressure cuff slipped down past my elbow and I just left it there.  Until it started inflating and I tried to get it back up where it belonged.  I started laughing and he jumped up to try to get it on.  I was nearly hysterical at this point and in walked Broomhilda.  She glared at my amazing Rocket Man and asked me if he was bothering me.  Are you kidding me?  I told her that the cuff wasn't working right.  She said it wasn't on properly {ya think?} and got it on to her satisfaction.  Glaring at us, because Rocket Man was laughing by this point, she marched out, neveer to be seen again.

The cuff started inflating and the machine went crazy.  We got an alarm and an error reading.  After an ear-splitting few seconds, the cuff deflated.  We were rolling in laughter at this point.  We had 2 more error indicents and the machine righted itself, just as Rocket Man was about to call for help.

The infusion pump malfunctioned 2 more times.  I got the very last drop of The Poison The Juice.  Wouldn't want to miss any of that yummy good stuff.  Nurse Nancy told me that I could reschedule my 9:00 am (sharp!) appointment tomorrow for 1: 15 pm, which suits us much better.  The 90 minute infusion itself lasted over 2 hours.  The waiting and fumbling lasted over an hour. 

I was discharged, wearing my hospital bracelet, to the care and keeping of the Rocket Man and we beat cheeks out of there.  3+ hours at the Risky Business Center is more than enough for us in one day. 

If  you see me without Rocket Man or some other Responsible Adult in the next few days, you might want to try to corner me and call the ICE number on my magic pink cell phone.  I'm not supposed to be left on my own. This is the Rocket Man's Rule.  Not mine.  Not the doctor's orders.  Rocket Man's alone.   On accout-a I'm on The Poison The Juice. 

Who knows what I might do!



Beth said...

This would so be a good time to be a fly on your wall! Oh heck. I'd just love to come visit for a day or two. Between you, Uncle Ed, and the not-so-smart Broomhilda, these are things that should be recorded! I love you!

Mollianne said...

Love you, too. Uncle Ed says I need Adult Supervision because it just wouldn't be fair to unleash me on an unsuspecting public. I don't think I'm that bad...yet ;)

Mollianne said...

Well, we're in for a but-load trouble tomorrow if I'm in Adult-in-Charge!!! But while i'm might not be as fun as RM, I am a very snarky little girl! (and i love you)

Mollianne said...

And haha, Annie is signed in as Mollianne. I'm not suprised after today...

Charlotte said...

Sounds like an evening at a cafe
with Ed doing his "true comedy"
routine....My sides already hurt.
I even read this aloud to SD and he too thought it was a "hoot".
Now, I am still a little "hot" that you should have to put up with that kind of imcompetance [or is it ence]. Somehow I can see me raising x?*#^ cause my child needs TLC!!!!!!

Mollianne said... hacked my account! You funny girl Didn't we have fun today? Your company made my day brighter and the unpleasant task less dreadful. Love you to the moon and back! need to raise any heck today. Everything went as smooth as clockwork. Love you and my Sweet Daddy! You'll have to hear the story in person, of course, because Ed tells it much better than me.